We Go Together
I’m starting to see clearer nowadays. I’m fighting the internal battles, prioritizing them over any resistance I feel in my external pursuits. It’s making the tasks feel like they’ll be conquered, it’s only a matter of time. Moving my attention off of what I can’t control, elements that sit firmly in the wheelhouse of someone else’s spirit or directive, those things no longer concern me. I pray with the best intentions for those I love, but I also know that to wed my self-worth to their acknowledgements is an exercise in futility. Did I waste a ton of valuable time working towards this realization? If the realization was the prize, then all the suffering was worth it. I awake with direction now, far more than I had previously when I was searching in the darkness for a path that felt like home. It’s important I acknowledge the lifelong pursuit of perfection that I’ve been on, and the damage that one-track-mind has done to a spirit that desperately craves experience, not correctness.
For far too long, I’ve been locked into a pattern of personal dispappointment while the world around me lauds me in silence, perhaps with the perception that folks like me don’t need any extra push or motivation to get to where I’m heading. If only they knew the dark days and nights of fear and isolation that came with such a bestowing. What can I do to reverse this trend? I need to get far more comfortable with sharing my self. Turning the mic on and bearing my soul, or turning the camera on, these things are not native to me. I was raised in an environment of stoicism, of carrying the heavy load in silence, of figuring it out with nothing but a few proverbs and the ultimate gift of an example of love and partnership in my household. The powerful realization, however, was even those gifts would not be mine. My path is my own, and I can borrow from elements that made me feel alive by mere association, but I can never replicate those scenarios.
This is the never-ending battle to unlearn, to fortify, and to walk into the light with confidence. Faith in self is seemingly only built on pushing past resistance and realizing that you can achieve any status you’re willing to suffer for. Perhaps suffering is our main directive here - to get as comfortable as possible with the curveballs, the losses, and even maintaining an even keel when the praise and adoration comes from left field. It’s the love of the process that will see us through the darkest days. So me, I get up at 5:15am regardless of what time I went to sleep the night before, and regardless of what the weather is outside. We get up, and we fight. I feel sorry for any obstacle that stands in opposition of this momentum, and this is only the beginning of my campaign. J Street used to tell me that once I picked up an athletic regiment like running, it would be like a Limitless pill for me, and I’m starting to believe that is my final stone to turn.
I’ll continue to share my steps of this profession, not to offer some sort of “how-to” to those who’ll take the time to read, but to share that you’re not alone in this never-ending battle to break through. Who knows, I may need you in the coming days to pull through myself. We go together.
